When I met my hubby, back in college, I was thin. Nearly too thin, but not from secret anorexia or anything like that--just from being very busy and a vegetarian lifestyle. I was too young to drink in college, so that also had a positive effect on my weight. I roller-bladed or biked to classes that were all over the place (the U of M, Twin Cities campus is enormous). I had no money, or very little, and relied on the dorm's cafeteria for my meals. Often I missed them, since getting your classes and mealtimes to match up well is nearly impossible. My hubby-to-be could encircle my waist with his two hands, with some room left over.
I try hard to not blame my pregnancies on my weight struggles. After all, I was already approximately 15-20 lbs overweight when I got pregnant with my Boo. But pregnancy meant that I got free license to eat whatever the heck I was craving, and I have a very indulgent hubby. If I asked him to get me ice cream at midnight, he dutifully packed into the car and drove the 2 miles to the grocery store. But I don't blame him, after all, he was only doing what I asked him to do, and who says "no" to a pregnant woman? After my 1st daughter was born, I was close to 40 lbs overweight. After my 2nd daughter, 4 years later, I was 100 lbs overweight.
After Pickle was born, I tried very hard to create a new path for myself. I lost 40 lbs pretty quickly... but there I have been stuck. For 6 years, I have teeter-tottered in a 10-lb range that has baffled, angered, and humbled me. Sometimes I wonder if this is just where I'll remain: 40-50 lbs overweight. As I age, those "ideal ranges" scale a bit more upward...and I like to joke that I'm just getting ready for my 50's and 60's--that I'll only be 20-30lbs overweight at that point. But I would dearly love to get back to where I used to be, or to a realistic nearness to it.
I am the kind of person who is very driven, but I get equally easily frustrated with lack of progress. When I work hard on a thing, I expect results as fantastic. When that doesn't happen, I get unhappy and give up. Also, I know that one of my weaknesses is that I can talk myself out of good habits pretty easily. I get lazy, or indignant with my plan for weight loss or exercise, and then it just gets pushed to the side, and once again I feel like I failed (even if I never gave it a good chance to begin with). I feel like I'm lying to myself each time, but I'm not totally sure what the lies even are.
My family has weight issues, but I know that's not an excuse for my overweight. I've seen a therapist, and feel that I've mostly dealt with the family issues that existed for me there. So what's holding me back? Is there something that I've missed?
I want to be a healthy mom. I have friends that are healthier than I, and they seem to have more energy, more patience, and more fun wearing clothes. The question that I need to focus on is, "Do I want that more than what I have right now?" and I need to ask myself that question a whole lot more than I have been.
6 comments:
I get that. In highschool I was little- like size 2, thinking I was fat. Then I gradually gained up till I had kids- I was about 10 lbs over what I wanted. I've gone back and forth- after my 2nd I lost (due to his appetite) back down- I could wear the size I did in school (and I saw I was insane to think I was fat then) A couple years ago I lost down to where I was very happy and comfortable. My target weight- then came the baby and I am back to where I started again about 25 lbs up from where I want.
Right now I can't get my self in gear- seasonal issues, too many other changes and responsibilities. Even though I know working on my weight would help me in these other stressful areas- less stress, less depression, more energy and all that...
Oh, I liked this post. It's a problem SO many of us struggle with. I often wonder what went wrong. Is it me? Or what???
If you look at ANY movie/video/newscast/streetscene from the early 80's---no one (NO ONE!!) was overweight. Now--well, we've all heard the numbers --66% of us are overweight/obese. I'm hating to blame something other than myself, but really? Why the huge change??
I wish you luck with whatever you decide. Hubby and I are walking daily -which we enjoy-and trying to eat out a lot less and growing a lot of our own food. The weight barely comes off. Sigh.
It's hard to focus on yourself and your needs when you have small children...especially ones that you have to care for and educate 24/7.
Don't worry.."When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Good Luck!!
Oh darling, you're gorgeous. I don't want to poo-poo your blog post because I know it comes from a deep place, (and I get what you're saying) but just know that I think you're a fabulous diva of divine yumminess regardless if your Man can wrap his fingers around your waist (which by the way is WAY too skinny) or not.
Go pick up your award over at my blog, why don't you? ;)
http://thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com/2011/10/whome.html
I am so overwhelmed at the response from this post! I cannot believe that anyone other than me (insert weird sarcastic, yet totally really baffled voice here) has been to this place. I'm thinking something along the lines of "how many other weird things in my life connect to other people in a real-way?".
OK, breathe.
Thank you for your input and comments, I really appreciate them. Thank you, MamaTea for the award, I will commence to working on the details of that momentarily. Thanks most for just understanding what this is like--seeing yourself as something other than what the mirror shows.
And yes, MamaTea, it was too skinny back then, I agree. But it's a "before" image that The Man references a lot. With love and worry, surely, he didn't like that rendition of me much (bodily), but it sticks in the brain.
Thank you all.
I wish I could just lay it all out on a line about what happened to my weight over the years. I commend your openness!
I, too, was thin, and shall we say 'hot?' once upon a time and then life happened. When I was in my late 30's and spoke to a doctor, he threw meds at me and said that's just the life of women. Get over it.
All he accomplished was for me to never use his services again but his comment about 'it's just the a women's life' really kept bugging me.
Now in my late 40's and 140lbs over weight, I've come to see that what happens is partly women give everything to tending their loved ones and home. We sort of lose ourselves along the way. Then add in that the food manufacturers aren't helping. I've found the 'processed' food makes me swell badly and that makes my joints not want to work... It just gets into a bad cycle. (Eating clean now.)
So... since my girls are now grown and I only have one son left at home, and I don't really want a short life, I've join my son at karate and for my own spirit,I've taken up Tribal fusion belly dancing! The weight's not gone, but my spirit is back in full force! I'm getting my old self back one day at a time.
=) You are beautiful!
Post a Comment